Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
