Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
