i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
