i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
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You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
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I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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