Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
