I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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