Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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