We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
