did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
