We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
