The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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