The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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