i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
