a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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