Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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