so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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