who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
