I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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