I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
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I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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