we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This is my gift to your gina
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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