Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
