I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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