so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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