Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
