i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
