This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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