Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
