Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
