I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
