She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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