The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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