she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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