you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We got so high we made milksteak
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We left the knife in your bed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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