I hate all girls vehemently.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize