i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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