but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
