I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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