At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Randomize
