You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
