This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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