So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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