Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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