So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
