It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Come share oat with me in your robe
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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