I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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