There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
