Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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