either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
