i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
