So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
