i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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