I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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