Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
