marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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