Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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