wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
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Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.