I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
