I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
